Why did the chicken cross the road?”
To get to the other side.
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her.
Waiter Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.
Good. We’ve been trying to kill it for ages.
Waiter waiter, there’s a fly in my soup?
It’s OK sir, we won’t charge you extra for it.
Waiter Waiter. What’s this fly doing in my soup?
It looks like the breaststroke sir.
Waiter waiter, there’s a fly in my soup! Take it away!
Of course. Would you like me to leave the fly?
What do you get if you put a dog in a microwave?
A hot dog.
What is brown and sticky?
What is black and white and read all over?
What is black and white and red all over?
A penguin in a blender.
Don’t cry. It’s only me.
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur’s dog?
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!
What did the fish say after it swum into a wall?
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
Doctor Doctor, I feel I am invisible.
Who said that?!
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
In case they get a hole-in-one.
What do you call a sheep with no legs and no head?
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
When’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he’s a pain in the neck.
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on so many levels.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
Student: Can I go to the toilet?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet.
Teacher: Where’s the pee?
Student: Half way down my leg now.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it into the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I got fired from my job at the bank. An old lady came in to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I took the shell off my pet snail thinking it would make him go faster.
It only made him more sluggish.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
People today are going to make terrible ghosts. You wake up in the night and there’s this guy at the end of your bed asking ‘Dude, what’s your wi-fi password?’
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
I forgot my glasses and fell in some water. I couldn’t see that well.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says to the manager, “I’ll have some H20.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H20, too.” The seconds chemist dies.
I saw an advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’
I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’”